i am happy to see you: great love

Showing posts with label great love. Show all posts

11.28.14

Because there really is no better time or place to get a flat tire than in your garage while you are sleeping, but still, the surprise of finding it flat and then finding out that it's irreparable and, in fact, all four tires need to be replaced, feels a little bit like a sucker punch and you find yourself praying and fighting for faith.

And there are seasons of life when you must fight for faith because all of these small things, usually money things, vie for faithlessness; push you and prod you toward faithlessness; become a reason to back down from what you know, and this season seems to be that for you now. BUT (and there is always a but) take heart, oh my soul, because the lord has been (so) good to you and you can fight this battle of faith and come out a victor; these hard places will be your cement, the sand that turns into rock; the testing of your faith makes perseverance and that's what you want to be at the end of your life...a persevere-er.

When the good news in all this new-tires-depleting-tiny-savings-just-in-time-for-Christmas gig is that in everyday, in every season, God is the faithful one and he has made this promise to you about his faithfulness not being dependent on your faithfulness. And you decided (while riding on brand new tires!) to trust God to provide in this month in ways that are new and creative and may not be full of what you're used to, but may be even better.

Because this is the advent, the wait...there is HOPE and it is COMING and you just have to have eyes to see it and a heart to say yes to it all.

Hold on, self. Your rescue is near!

8.12.13

when you sit with her in her bedroom and play Barbies with her and the one blonde doll falls awkwardly next to Ken and she says, "they kissed" and the conversation that pulls all the years together begins:

"It's okay if they kiss because they're married."

"Yes. They are married. You are married."

"Yes. I am."

"Will I get married?"

"Yes, someday."

"Who will I marry?"

"I don't know. But God knows and he will show you. He'll show you lots of things when you need to know."

"He will? How? Does Jesus live in our tummies?"

"Yes, he lives in our hearts when we ask him to."

"Can I pray and ask Jesus to live in my heart so he can help me?"

"Now???! Sure!"

And she prays this full and confident and small prayer and she smiles and she knows Jesus will help her and we are blessed to watch the sufficiency of grace take root in this soul that wonders what her future will be like and we applaud a Living God who wraps his voice into the hallows of a little girl and sings His songs to her until she says YES! and we smile praise to the god who gives life and takes life and transforms life, who promises her a new heart and a new song and a life full of freedom and stability.

7.13.13

when you all drive up the hill to where the air tastes different, fresh, clean and there is plenty of space outside and around this humongous tree for everyone to have their own space and to be comfortable and still the little brother wants to crowd the biggest brother and is wears him down.

because sometimes our positions in life wear on us and we just wish things were different, wish people were different, but quiet spaces invite us to rest and cry our hearts out and seek peace with where we are and who we are, who God has for us to be.

when resting doesn't come naturally and quietness is cumbersome and risky but no cell phone coverage and no wi-fi give you all the push into deep breaths and slow walks that refresh and remind.

4.24.2013

because this world desperately wants to be your guessing game.

will this stomach flu last only 24 hours? longer? will someone(s) else get it?

what will next year look like? will you fail?

if we walk in this direction, will others scoff?

did you turn off your flat iron? will you burn the house down?

and when the world pushes you to look around and think long about what may or may not come later, you bypass what's happening right now and miss everything and the guessing game turns to worry and worry produces fear and it doesn't take long to see that the guessing game has you marked. if it can get you caught up in the wondering and worrying, you're on a slippery slope to despair.

but there is this freedom available to you, to everyone, to live confidently. freedom that whispers through the thoughts about the new you and catches your eye and nods, and that's all it takes to make you remember that you can stand firm, can be sure, can commit, can make right choices, can live extraordinarily, can hold fast and hang tight with your head raised and your voice determined. because there IS this life in you that made you new and makes you new moment by moment and there isn't any guess work about it. it's sure when little else is.

and when a name, a sign with a name, means more than this is what we're called, but actually marks a territory of assurance of this freedom; a visual declaration of who you stand for, what your love will look like, who you are called to BE. because there is power a name, there is definition in a name and when the foundation on which the name rests is God Almighty, there is confidence.

"so do not throw away this confident trust in the Lord."

2.20.2013

when she asks from the backseat with relate-able nervousness in her voice about the turn in the highway that overlooks the river from atop a steep hillside, "do cars turn and fall down there a lot?" and you shake your head no and pause and decide to finish the conversation, "god holds us all together and he keeps us safe and helps us stay on the road" and she gets excited about that truth, "really?" and how do you speak the importance of this reality when your own mouth sometimes doesn't believe it because wasn't it just this morning that the bowl of cereal went flying and kids were slow to get ready for school and you have a headache and there is disappointment and heartache about our weaknesses and life just seemed like we could fall over the edge. but it is true that life has cliffs and sharp turns and sometimes traveling them doesn't go all that well, but in those moments god holds us together then too.

and when the cliff that looks only scary from the westbound direction looks entirely gorgeous when driving eastward with its unobstructed view and you can see the beauty of the river and the orchards that surround it and it is especially breathtaking at carpool hour with the water reflecting the most beautiful light and you almost can't even see that you're overlooking a cliff because you're so taken back by the utter beauty and the nervousness subsides because of majestic beauty.

and that's the thing; that god doesn't just take everything that scares us or makes us mad and obliterate it like we sometimes want him to do but he steps into that stuff with us and lets us see the beauty beyond the edge with enlightened perspective and he doesn't stand in heaven and look at our awfulness and helplessness and obliterate us, but he gets closer to us and sends jesus into the midst of us so that he's nearer and so we can touch the living god and so that we can know that we don't need to fear and know that we are loved and that we are saved no matter if the road holds or gives way.

2.13.2013

when you forget that you're in the middle of a battle and you lose focus and forget where you've been and what that you've been called to battle every day. because worry is the anti-trust and it seems reasonable to worry about everything and to pad all the worry with prayer and ceaseless thoughts about about how and why and when and what if and because praying all your worry has just made worry a habit and you see now that the praying wasn't praying at all but it was demanding answers now, as if you have any right to know the future. when you see your worry for what it really is, depriving yourself of the freedom of trusting, and your brokenness and sin are overwhelming but one God meets you there because He's brought you to this brokenness and wants to walk you out of your brokenness.

when listening to the three year old have a 20 minute fight against some imaginary creature in the backseat of the car with only the twig that he's been toting all day as a weapon is a reminder that every day the battle for your attention and your trust persists and you've forgotten to fight. and you're not sure how exactly to fight this one but to get out of your own head and just stop thinking about the things that you're tempted to worry about and instead of praying about it, you will trust about it, and thank about what will be even before it happens because God knows the desires of your heart and he will answer you when it's time for you to know and he won't forget.

1.15.2013

when the next one plunges in to the whys like the other three year olds who have gone before him and still there isn't a good answer to why except that it just is what it is and isn't it true that not knowing why is as difficult at 35 as it is at 3. maybe his asking so many whys is a good reminder for you that a lot of life is a mystery and that somewhere around 3 years old the opportunity to (intellectually) trust started. and maybe the only answer to his "why" is "who do you trust?"

10.18.2012

when we realize together that the whole point of these days here are to end up in a better place than when we started because it just can't all be about this and then we look back at pictures and think back past 12 years of marriage and laugh at how young we were and how clueless we were and now, now we are a different us. we have changed. we are in a better place than we were 12 years ago and the thing is that we haven't become a closer, better us by anything we have done. we have done nothing noteworthy at all.
we have spoken harshly, we have slammed doors and turned backs and ignored and denied and the list is endless. but we know that in all things (all the messing and hurting and stabbing) all things, god works into good for people that love him.

and we haven't even loved him well by our own accord but it is grace that he remains faithful to us because he can not deny himself and we died with him and so we will live with him and that's how life makes any sense at all, because he loves and saved us and keeps loving and keeps saving us.

9.20.2012

remembering...

the preschool teacher who put my heart into words when she said this boy is a heart. a feeler. a david. as in, King David of centuries past, who loved with all of his heart and who loved the right one with all of his heart and was brave and determined because of that love. the one who royally screwed up because of his off-track passions and the one who knew utter forgiveness because of god's very valuable passions.

remembering how god looks at the heart, not at what can be seen, and calls it what it is.

tonight, cleaning the hamster cage with this heart. the one who talks most about his days and his thoughts right before bed, usually while snacking.

9.9.2012

when the things that you've been thinking about from Monday through Saturday are the things that get said on Sunday morning when you're with people whom you trust and love.

when the simple truth that there is a creator of this whole earth and all its people and creatures becomes like a new song in your heart and you know that this simple truth makes your reality concrete and sustainable. and how that creator didn't start the ball spinning and then walk away to let it unravel, but that all things...all our days, all our moments, all our souls... are held together by him.

when she said it while sitting here at the kitchen table, about how this child needs to know that he's in the deep trenches of laying the foundations of learning with reading and writing and that this is his God-given responsibility right now, it made perfect sense. and then it was said again at church, that foundations matter and Christ is the supreme foundation for all of life and beyond, the only foundation that lasts forever.

It is good when Monday through Saturday and Sunday are intertwined. God is faithful, day in and day out.

8.29.2012

She says it like she's his mom, "Dylan. Buddy. Do you want to sit on my lap while I read you a book? No? Okay, you can sit right there."

8.22.2012

waking thanks

for the home

with clean beds

chairs to sit in

food to eat

patio to sweep

leaves to rake

8.18.2012

when crashing into "i'm done" (read: "i can't handle this. i'm over it, i'm done") steps to the side long enough to make way for "i'm done" (read: "i finished it all, completed, i'm done"). because the finishing was less about factual measures and more about a giant scooping together of fragments of our experiences and allowing them the space to change us and about how the choices we made were less about right or wrong and more about good, better, best, and how can we really know if this is a good choice or the best choice but by living it and then looking back. and it is then that being done means something, because i am different, for better or for worse, than i was before but not because of who i am or am not, but because, weak or strong, i know one who is king of redeeming all of the fragments to make me whole and the best possible.

when finding that the novels can be written about differences between you but when the "i'm done" comes you see the strength and courage that overwhelms the differences. surprising strength, deafening courage. realizing that there's not an ounce of condemnation in these terrifying choices, good, bad, or ugly, but there is expectation in them...expectation that these days, this season will effect the next and that we will start in a different, a better place next time with more understanding holding tighter to the truths that may have slipped our minds several times in this season, because they are etched more securely, more deeply, more boldly now. is that called character?

i am thankful that this season is showing signs of ending because it was hard. but there's something about the hard that i hope makes its way into the next season, because it is good and right and ugly-beautiful and it makes us better. makes us the best?

8.10.2012

his elbow dimples remind me that he is still little, although he is trying not to be

they're trying to be bigger than they are too

because dinner table activities have morphed from barking commands to toddlers into coherent conversations about days and lives where we all have a space to spill our juice and cover the floor in rice, and because we can all carry our dishes to the sink when we're done making our messes and feeding our mouths and souls. because we set out to learn responsibility for ourselves and take care of each other.

7.25.2012

sometimes, like when they brush the mirror instead of their teeth, it feels like they're trying to undo my efforts, my achievements in keeping things clean. but they are children. they're not out to make my life more difficult. they're just living theirs ideally; by doing. by trying new things. by experimenting. they make messes of themselves and this house. my yelling and pushing can't make them behave like adults because they are children. only time and the grace of god will make them into adults.

then i am undone. all my yelling and pushing myself, pushing us all to be good, to do right, to look clean is an ineffectual waste of time. making a mess of life is in my nature. only time and the grace of god will change that.

i am happy to see you