11.21.14

When this kid plays flag football on that mostly losing team and is the receiver of a hand-off near the middle of the field and you watch as he makes a b-line for the sideline right where his team is sitting on the bench and as he cuts up-field at the line, you hear a teammate shout above the rest of the cheers of encouragement, "I BELIEVE IN YOU" and you crack up with giddy agreement. Yes! Me too! I believe in you too! However far this play may take you, I believe in you!

4.29.2014

When the people around you are grace givers, more-than-ordinary forgivers, and your heart is churning with the call to be forgiven. Because this is your life, to screw up, to forget, to be distracted and even though you want more than this for your own pride's sake, you just can't escape the brokenness. But you have these people, brave and strong people who constantly say "yes" to forgiveness, people who walk into relationships intentionally; people who willingly overlook the ugly, the junk, and chose to embody the very essence of LIFE: to be known and loved.

When the people around you are courageous. She walks with determination in her steps until the waiting is over. They forge the unknown with the most sincere trust and willingness to be refined. They pour into your family without thinking twice and consistently dive into generosity. Others laugh boldly, dream volumes, hug long, speak the language of a smile.

When you see on Facebook everything that your tried-and-true friends have to share and so you know generally what's in their days but you get an urge to look at them in the eyes and know their struggles and triumphs more deeply so you do just that, and they share their beautiful messy reality with you even though they've probably told the story a million times before. And when you sit down to eat they ask the pointed questions that are hard to answer in summary but are worth the time, and you laugh together at the memories you share, and you talk through kid-struggles and medical struggles and they answer your questions even though it feels like you should already know the answers; you should have made the effort to sit with them months ago. And when the end of the night comes, you hug like you mean it because these people have invited you into their story. They didn't have to. They chose to.

Because knowing one's story on Facebook is fine and nice, but tomorrow you forget who said what and you forget to pray even though you said you would and the details meld together and get lost in the muddled space of your brain but seeing the light in their eyes while listening to those same stories binds you and them as if you've crawled into their heart and have heard the echo of the details and emotions and the long-resonating truth. When you are in the presence of people who God is using for his mysterious, unknown, wild purpose, it's like God is there too. And God was there that night you saw each other in the faces and heard the burden resound and saw the victory obtained. And it was heart-changing.

When you've tiptoed awkwardly around and hesitatingly invited someone into your days, and they've graciously and boldly extended the same invitation to you, you leave and know better how to pray. You leave and you remember. You drive away confident of the value of relationships. You are strengthened and inspired. You are diffused into who God is and what he is doing. You are different.

Because choosing to share anything, especially life and stories and personal space, is a hard battle worth fighting but you're surrounded by people who keep on sharing with you. Grace.

8.27.13

when the book you've been learning through with the kids every morning says what you've all been working at, that you can only identify a lie if you know first the truth, and the only way to know truth is to dive into it, with your eyes and ears and nose and spirit engaged, and really wade through it and get deep in the truth.

and because learning the truth is a slow process, we wade into it slowly with careful and hope-filled steps, senses blazing.

7.13.13

when you all drive up the hill to where the air tastes different, fresh, clean and there is plenty of space outside and around this humongous tree for everyone to have their own space and to be comfortable and still the little brother wants to crowd the biggest brother and is wears him down. 

because sometimes our positions in life wear on us and we just wish things were different, wish people were different, but quiet spaces invite us to rest and cry our hearts out and seek peace with where we are and who we are, who God has for us to be. 

when resting doesn't come naturally and quietness is cumbersome and risky but no cell phone coverage and no wi-fi give you all the push into deep breaths and slow walks that refresh and remind.

3.24.2013

opening day.

2.26.2013

when the kids left the table and the husband moved to the chair next to you and took your hand and prayed out loud and then waited for you to pray but there were no words so he prayed again and then waited for you again and all you could say to your God is, "sometimes life just seems pointless, not valuable and hopeless. and i know that's not true but i can't see otherwise. show me."

then you drive in the morning and see the tiny little almond blossoms that are beginning to show themselves and you are reminded that hope springs eternal.

when He does show you hope and asks you to replace the selfish "pointless" with others-hope and pray for your husband, the orphaned baby waiting in Korea, the baby brewing in your sister, a great movement of God in this community, hearts of friends to be renewed. 

when you come home and He shows you the way toward content. and you feel safe here in this house and uncomfortable here...and both are good. let this place be safe but not your Shelter. let this house protect you from the elements but not from people. clean the floors and clothes but care for hearts. be free here but find your Freedom outside of here.

when He tells you, yes! dream! dreams are fun and dreams can carry us when we feel confined and dreams make light in a dark reality. but don't hope in your dreams. hope in the living God who breathes into dreams and makes them real. Who breathes into souls and makes them alive. Who breathes into days and makes them valuable.  

and this is the Walk: to not know and then ask and then receive. 

seek hope. see hope. know hope.

2.1.2013

you know how you run the same 4 miles in the same garage on the same treadmill at the same time of day listening to the same music staring at the same bikes and backpacks and shoes and refrigerator and even though everything is the same every Monday and Wednesday and Friday some days those 4 miles just feel harder and longer and more painful?

remember this and give yourself more grace. give Ryan more grace too. some days, life is just harder than others and even though everything seems the same as it always is, some days just feel tenuous. it's okay. breathe.

1.30.2013

when you give him the pep talk that reminds him about who he is and what he is called to because working hard is hard and doesn't come easily at all for some of us here because we are easily distracted and we easily forget that life isn't about what other people are doing but more about what i need to be doing. when he sits on your lap and tears roll when he hears how wonderful and gifted and how very good god has created him to be. but then he can breathe and smile.

when you remind another that his dad is showing him love by disciplining and by giving him grace and another chance and because of that he can show love for his dad by caring for the people his dad loves. and then he can smile and breathe and be kind.

because these reminders were for them and for you. because remembering truths about talents and hard work and love and grace are easily overlooked, ignored. but in reality are the heartbeat of all of our days.

you are disciplined because you are loved.

you receive grace because you are loved

you can love because you have been loved.

you can work hard at the dailies so your life can point to the One who loves you best.

10.18.2012

when we realize together that the whole point of these days here are to end up in a better place than when we started because it just can't all be about this and then we look back at pictures and think back past 12 years of marriage and laugh at how young we were and how clueless we were and now, now we are a different us. we have changed. we are in a better place than we were 12 years ago and the thing is that we haven't become a closer, better us by anything we have done. we have done nothing noteworthy at all.
we have spoken harshly, we have slammed doors and turned backs and ignored and denied and the list is endless. but we know that in all things (all the messing and hurting and stabbing) all things, god works into good for people that love him.

and we haven't even loved him well by our own accord but it is grace that he remains faithful to us because he can not deny himself and we died with him and so we will live with him and that's how life makes any sense at all, because he loves and saved us and keeps loving and keeps saving us.

9.27.2012

when this heartbeat seems irregular as if searching with mystery for rhythms of grace and knowing that truth awaits somewhere but being okay with the mystery of it all, too. waiting as with brow furrowed, wondering, seeking, asking, waiting more.

hunting in the dark shadows and squinting to see.

9.16.2012

 When we insist that he roll up his pants and "don't get your pants wet, bud", and he insists on the opposite.

9.13.2012

thankful for

this time

quiet

light

9.12.2012

sometimes the only way to see better is to pray more.

9.11.2012

 this discipline of reading together each night after we've eaten but before we get up from the dinner table. adding this book to my list of favorites because, really, doesn't every story whisper his name? every story in this book, yes, but all our stories, too?

9.7.2012

When breakfast together, the six of us, at one table, on a school day, is a first. A first and last? Approximately 3.5 minutes of trying something new. Trying (tried?) to savor instead of spew, to approach the mornings as though they too are a gift, an opportunity to be rather than another thoroughfare to ignore. 

8.30.2012

sometimes the mess in the house is an indicator of the motion of life and busy days.
sometimes the mess in the house is a gauge of the mess in my heart.

sometimes the clean calm in the house is an indicator of the peace in my heart.
sometimes the clean calm in the house is a mask hiding what i don't want to take care of in my heart.

8.29.2012

 

She says it like she's his mom, "Dylan. Buddy. Do you want to sit on my lap while I read you a book? No? Okay, you can sit right there."

8.18.2012

when crashing into "i'm done" (read: "i can't handle this. i'm over it, i'm done") steps to the side long enough to make way for "i'm done" (read: "i finished it all, completed, i'm done"). because the finishing was less about factual measures and more about a giant scooping together of fragments of our experiences and allowing them the space to change us and about how the choices we made were less about right or wrong and more about good, better, best, and how can we really know if this is a good choice or the best choice but by living it and then looking back. and it is then that being done means something, because i am different, for better or for worse, than i was before but not because of who i am or am not, but because, weak or strong, i know one who is king of redeeming all of the fragments to make me whole and the best possible.

when finding that the novels can be written about differences between you but when the "i'm done" comes you see the strength and courage that overwhelms the differences. surprising strength, deafening courage. realizing that there's not an ounce of condemnation in these terrifying choices, good, bad, or ugly, but there is expectation in them...expectation that these days, this season will effect the next and that we will start in a different, a better place next time with more understanding holding tighter to the truths that may have slipped our minds several times in this season, because they are etched more securely, more deeply, more boldly now. is that called character?

i am thankful that this season is showing signs of ending because it was hard. but there's something about the hard that i hope makes its way into the next season, because it is good and right and ugly-beautiful and it makes us better. makes us the best?

8.10.2012

his elbow dimples remind me that he is still little, although he is trying not to be

they're trying to be bigger than they are too

because dinner table activities have morphed from barking commands to toddlers into coherent conversations about days and lives where we all have a space to spill our juice and cover the floor in rice, and because we can all carry our dishes to the sink when we're done making our messes and feeding our mouths and souls. because we set out to learn responsibility for ourselves and take care of each other.

8.9.2012

summer goes too quickly.
slow time by slowing self. less hurry, less worry, more deep breathing intentional moments.