4.29.2014

When the people around you are grace givers, more-than-ordinary forgivers, and your heart is churning with the call to be forgiven. Because this is your life, to screw up, to forget, to be distracted and even though you want more than this for your own pride's sake, you just can't escape the brokenness. But you have these people, brave and strong people who constantly say "yes" to forgiveness, people who walk into relationships intentionally; people who willingly overlook the ugly, the junk, and chose to embody the very essence of LIFE: to be known and loved.

When the people around you are courageous. She walks with determination in her steps until the waiting is over. They forge the unknown with the most sincere trust and willingness to be refined. They pour into your family without thinking twice and consistently dive into generosity. Others laugh boldly, dream volumes, hug long, speak the language of a smile.

When you see on Facebook everything that your tried-and-true friends have to share and so you know generally what's in their days but you get an urge to look at them in the eyes and know their struggles and triumphs more deeply so you do just that, and they share their beautiful messy reality with you even though they've probably told the story a million times before. And when you sit down to eat they ask the pointed questions that are hard to answer in summary but are worth the time, and you laugh together at the memories you share, and you talk through kid-struggles and medical struggles and they answer your questions even though it feels like you should already know the answers; you should have made the effort to sit with them months ago. And when the end of the night comes, you hug like you mean it because these people have invited you into their story. They didn't have to. They chose to.

Because knowing one's story on Facebook is fine and nice, but tomorrow you forget who said what and you forget to pray even though you said you would and the details meld together and get lost in the muddled space of your brain but seeing the light in their eyes while listening to those same stories binds you and them as if you've crawled into their heart and have heard the echo of the details and emotions and the long-resonating truth. When you are in the presence of people who God is using for his mysterious, unknown, wild purpose, it's like God is there too. And God was there that night you saw each other in the faces and heard the burden resound and saw the victory obtained. And it was heart-changing.

When you've tiptoed awkwardly around and hesitatingly invited someone into your days, and they've graciously and boldly extended the same invitation to you, you leave and know better how to pray. You leave and you remember. You drive away confident of the value of relationships. You are strengthened and inspired. You are diffused into who God is and what he is doing. You are different.

Because choosing to share anything, especially life and stories and personal space, is a hard battle worth fighting but you're surrounded by people who keep on sharing with you. Grace.

10.20.13

It was October of last year when you were relishing in the quiet and peaceful days when you could do what you wanted...you ran nearly everyday for exercise, read books on end, played with a 3 year old, kept a mostly clean house...it was like each day was a slow, deep breath. But somewhere in the slow space, sitting and sipping coffee, you knew in your heart that this was a season that would pass and you were glad for that because with all the personal free time came tension in the family time. The heartbeat of the family was strained, crying for a bypass.

When, one year later, you can't find the time to exercise, clean, or sit because you have all these people here all the time and they're busy people, making messes and learning in large, colorful lives. Because you think back to this time last year and are so thankful for that time of resting before this new beginning and it seems to carry you through these days now and you know assuredly that your life is meant to be lived this rich, messy way, and though you sometimes miss the sitting part and you keep thinking about how you need to start the jogging part again, there is peace here in the doing.

8.12.13

when you sit with her in her bedroom and play Barbies with her and the one blonde doll falls awkwardly next to Ken and she says, "they kissed" and the conversation that pulls all the years together begins:

"It's okay if they kiss because they're married."

"Yes. They are married. You are married."

"Yes. I am."

"Will I get married?"

"Yes, someday."

"Who will I marry?"

"I don't know. But God knows and he will show you. He'll show you lots of things when you need to know."

"He will? How? Does Jesus live in our tummies?"

"Yes, he lives in our hearts when we ask him to."

"Can I pray and ask Jesus to live in my heart so he can help me?"

"Now???! Sure!"

And she prays this full and confident and small prayer and she smiles and she knows Jesus will help her and we are blessed to watch the sufficiency of grace take root in this soul that wonders what her future will be like and we applaud a Living God who wraps his voice into the hallows of a little girl and sings His songs to her until she says YES! and we smile praise to the god who gives life and takes life and transforms life, who promises her a new heart and a new song and a life full of freedom and stability. 

8.3.2013

when you stand there on a Sunday morning a few feet away from the table with the shiny round plates of bread crumbs and small cups of grape juice and the lights from the stage make this table the only thing you can see in the room.

when your morning was hectic and really your 2 weeks before that were hectic but as you were running out the door practicing songs, packing 5 suitcases, cleaning up the trail of mayhem left by the get-ready routine, feeding animals, double checking doors, and the child who takes care of the reptile says, "we're out of crickets", now your mind is running faster than your legs and you're trying to find time, more and more time and it's not possible to make more minutes so you get to church flustered and faltered and very aware of all your weaknesses and all of your missed opportunities to have done today better.

but now you stand there looking at the bread and the wine, all of the broken pieces of today and all the broken pieces of you are quiet because this table is all you can see and it's all that matters. because that bread, that wine, isn't a snack, a chore, a guilt-evoking ceremony. it's an invitation to find shelter, covering, rest in and through the life and the blood of the one person who slayed death and brokenness so you can live freely and confidently. on this table sits peace. on this table is life.

and when you see all the people walking toward the table, accepting the invitation given to them, you see with new eyes and teary eyes that we all come to church on Sunday mornings with baggage from the morning, the week, the year, the lifetime, and we all carry our junk in past the same doors on our way to the same table to lay it all down at the call of the one who saves us from all of it, and we have this one thing in common; we've all said yes, we've taken and eaten and thanked and that's the only thing that matters.

6.8.2013

when you get to do fun things with a lot of the people you love most. because this week lends itself to stressing you out for months before it even gets here and because you want to run from things that are bigger than you but somehow, for some reason, god keeps putting you right back in the middle of it and walks through the bigness with you and then ends up changing you and blessing you and growing you and when you look back after friday is over and done and and all the small people you got to hang with all week have left, this is when life makes the most sense. because you see that is was never about your inhibitions or fears or worries, is was about saying yes and being yes and showing yes and doing yes and then looking for what god was going to do in you because, really, you needed this week as much as the kids needed this week.

4.24.2013

because this world desperately wants to be your guessing game.

will this stomach flu last only 24 hours? longer? will someone(s) else get it?

what will next year look like? will you fail?

if we walk in this direction, will others scoff? 

did you turn off your flat iron? will you burn the house down?

and when the world pushes you to look around and think long about what may or may not come later, you bypass what's happening right now and miss everything and the guessing game turns to worry and worry produces fear and it doesn't take long to see that the guessing game has you marked. if it can get you caught up in the wondering and worrying, you're on a slippery slope to despair.

but there is this freedom available to you, to everyone, to live confidently. freedom that whispers through the thoughts about the new you and catches your eye and nods, and that's all it takes to make you remember that you can stand firm, can be sure, can commit, can make right choices, can live extraordinarily, can hold fast and hang tight with your head raised and your voice determined. because there IS this life in you that made you new and makes you new moment by moment and there isn't any guess work about it. it's sure when little else is.

and when a name, a sign with a name, means more than this is what we're called, but actually marks a territory of assurance of this freedom; a visual declaration of who you stand for, what your love will look like, who you are called to BE. because there is power a name, there is definition in a name and when the foundation on which the name rests is God Almighty, there is confidence.

"so do not throw away this confident trust in the Lord." 

2.26.2013

when the kids left the table and the husband moved to the chair next to you and took your hand and prayed out loud and then waited for you to pray but there were no words so he prayed again and then waited for you again and all you could say to your God is, "sometimes life just seems pointless, not valuable and hopeless. and i know that's not true but i can't see otherwise. show me."

then you drive in the morning and see the tiny little almond blossoms that are beginning to show themselves and you are reminded that hope springs eternal.

when He does show you hope and asks you to replace the selfish "pointless" with others-hope and pray for your husband, the orphaned baby waiting in Korea, the baby brewing in your sister, a great movement of God in this community, hearts of friends to be renewed. 

when you come home and He shows you the way toward content. and you feel safe here in this house and uncomfortable here...and both are good. let this place be safe but not your Shelter. let this house protect you from the elements but not from people. clean the floors and clothes but care for hearts. be free here but find your Freedom outside of here.

when He tells you, yes! dream! dreams are fun and dreams can carry us when we feel confined and dreams make light in a dark reality. but don't hope in your dreams. hope in the living God who breathes into dreams and makes them real. Who breathes into souls and makes them alive. Who breathes into days and makes them valuable.  

and this is the Walk: to not know and then ask and then receive. 

seek hope. see hope. know hope.

2.20.2013

when she asks from the backseat with relate-able nervousness in her voice about the turn in the highway that overlooks the river from atop a steep hillside, "do cars turn and fall down there a lot?" and you shake your head no and pause and decide to finish the conversation, "god holds us all together and he keeps us safe and helps us stay on the road" and she gets excited about that truth, "really?" and how do you speak the importance of this reality when your own mouth sometimes doesn't believe it because wasn't it just this morning that the bowl of cereal went flying and kids were slow to get ready for school and you have a headache and there is disappointment and heartache about our weaknesses and life just seemed like we could fall over the edge. but it is true that life has cliffs and sharp turns and sometimes traveling them doesn't go all that well, but in those moments god holds us together then too.

and when the cliff that looks only scary from the westbound direction looks entirely gorgeous when driving eastward with its unobstructed view and you can see the beauty of the river and the orchards that surround it and it is especially breathtaking at carpool hour with the water reflecting the most beautiful light and you almost can't even see that you're overlooking a cliff because you're so taken back by the utter beauty and the nervousness subsides because of majestic beauty.

and that's the thing; that god doesn't just take everything that scares us or makes us mad and obliterate it like we sometimes want him to do but he steps into that stuff with us and lets us see the beauty beyond the edge with enlightened perspective and he doesn't stand in heaven and look at our awfulness and helplessness and obliterate us, but he gets closer to us and sends jesus into the midst of us so that he's nearer and so we can touch the living god and so that we can know that we don't need to fear and know that we are loved and that we are saved no matter if the road holds or gives way.

2.13.2013

when you forget that you're in the middle of a battle and you lose focus and forget where you've been and what that you've been called to battle every day. because worry is the anti-trust and it seems reasonable to worry about everything and to pad all the worry with prayer and ceaseless thoughts about about how and why and when and what if and because praying all your worry has just made worry a habit and you see now that the praying wasn't praying at all but it was demanding answers now, as if you have any right to know the future. when you see your worry for what it really is, depriving yourself of the freedom of trusting, and your brokenness and sin are overwhelming but one God meets you there because He's brought you to this brokenness and wants to walk you out of your brokenness.

when listening to the three year old have a 20 minute fight against some imaginary creature in the backseat of the car with only the twig that he's been toting all day as a weapon is a reminder that every day the battle for your attention and your trust persists and you've forgotten to fight. and you're not sure how exactly to fight this one but to get out of your own head and just stop thinking about the things that you're tempted to worry about and instead of praying about it, you will trust about it, and thank about what will be even before it happens because God knows the desires of your heart and he will answer you when it's time for you to know and he won't forget.

1.31.2013

when your kids are growing up and you (seemingly) suddenly find yourself thinking and praying and talking your way through real life, not just toddler or little kid life about who has more goldfish and who took his juice (although you're dealing with that life stuff too), but these are real life issues that are unfolding and rolling out and refolding on top of themselves again and again and there's this rhythm of pressure that is kneading your days and spinning you around and then pressing down on you again. and when you give in to the tide and notice that there is much grace here, much peace here, a blessed assurance that this is life the way it should be lived and it is all working, being worked, together for mysterious good.

because his friends' moms send you emails about what a compassionate friend he is and you see the hand of God kneading the life, the heart, the pulse, the course of this boy's life.

because He loves your child even more than you do.

1.30.2013

when you give him the pep talk that reminds him about who he is and what he is called to because working hard is hard and doesn't come easily at all for some of us here because we are easily distracted and we easily forget that life isn't about what other people are doing but more about what i need to be doing. when he sits on your lap and tears roll when he hears how wonderful and gifted and how very good god has created him to be. but then he can breathe and smile.

when you remind another that his dad is showing him love by disciplining and by giving him grace and another chance and because of that he can show love for his dad by caring for the people his dad loves. and then he can smile and breathe and be kind.

because these reminders were for them and for you. because remembering truths about talents and hard work and love and grace are easily overlooked, ignored. but in reality are the heartbeat of all of our days.

you are disciplined because you are loved.

you receive grace because you are loved

you can love because you have been loved.

you can work hard at the dailies so your life can point to the One who loves you best.

12.27.2012

when you notice and are grateful on Christmas Day because it seems as though you're hemmed in to life...that these people that have gone before you and who walk along side you are people of faith with joy and hope and laughter and who thank god outright and celebrate Jesus with all assurance that he came as our rescuer.

when you notice and have peace driving home on Christmas Day in the middle of the intense deluge of a storm that there are cars driving cautiously in front of you and cars behind you and it seems as though you're hemmed in to safety.